When School Feels Impossible: Understanding and Supporting Your Child Through EBSA

hannah6692

Sep 29

6 min read

“I don’t want to go to school.”

For some families, those words become part of the daily routine.

Sunday night anxiety. Tears at breakfast. A tummy ache that appears every Monday morning. A child who seems fine until the moment it is time to leave the house. Or perhaps your child manages to get through the school gates but completely unravels when they get home.

If this sounds familiar, you may be wondering:

Is this just a phase? Is my child being defiant? Am I getting something wrong?

Sometimes, there is something much deeper happening.

This is where Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA) can help us understand what a child may be experiencing.

What is EBSA?

Emotionally Based School Avoidance is used to describe difficulties attending school where emotional, mental health or wellbeing factors are playing a significant role.

It is sometimes referred to as school refusal or school anxiety, although EBSA can be a more helpful way of thinking about what is happening because it focuses on the emotional reasons resulting in the absence.

The important question isn't simply:

“Why won't my child go to school?”

It is:

“What is making school feel so difficult for my child?”

That change in question can completely change the conversation.

The numbers parents need to know

School attendance and emotional wellbeing are closely connected.

In the Department for Education's December 2025 parent survey, 26% of secondary-school parents whose child had missed some school days said anxiety or mental health problems played a part in their child's absence. For parents of children in special schools, the figure was 35%. (GOV.UK)

Among pupils who had missed school and said anxiety or mental health problems had contributed, 20% of Key Stage 3 pupils and 29% of Key Stage 4 pupils identified anxiety or mental health as a reason for absence. (GOV.UK)

And the worries behind this can be varied.

Pupils identified concerns including:

worries about other pupils' behaviour
general worries
lessons and exams
relationships with teachers and peers
lessons and progress

For parents, the biggest reported factors included worries about lessons and learning, general worries, relationships with teachers and other pupils' behaviour. (GOV.UK)

These figures don't mean every child who misses school has EBSA. EBSA is not diagnosed simply from attendance figures but they highlight just how important emotional wellbeing can be when we think about school attendance. And I would argue that emotional wellbeing tops every part of a child's school day!

Imagine your child's brain in 'that moment...'

Imagine your child standing at the front door.

You say:

“Come on, we're going to be late.”

But inside, their brain is saying:

“I can't cope.”

Their body might feel tense.

Their heart may race.

Their thoughts may become increasingly negative.

Their ability to problem-solve can disappear.

And suddenly, what looks from the outside like refusal may actually be a child experiencing enormous distress.

This doesn't mean every difficult morning is EBSA.

It does mean that behaviour is worth exploring before we label it. Persistent anxiety around attending school is detrimental to a child's overall social, emotional and academic progress.

What might EBSA look like?

Every child is different, but parents may notice:

Before school

crying or becoming distressed
difficulty getting dressed
repeated tummy aches or headaches
difficulty sleeping
panic or heightened anxiety
asking repeatedly to stay home
becoming distressed on Sunday evenings

Around school

difficulty getting through the school gates
repeated lateness
missing particular lessons or days
increased anxiety around specific people or situations
finding transitions particularly difficult

After school

Perhaps one of the most confusing experiences for parents:

Your child seems completely fine at school… and then explodes when they get home.

They may have spent the whole day holding everything together. Masking!

Home is their safe place.

And that's where the emotional load finally comes out. And the family sees the aftermath!

Why “just make them go” isn't always the answer!

Of course, school attendance matters.

But simply increasing pressure without understanding the underlying difficulty may not address why the child is struggling.

Action for Children recommends understanding the reasons behind school anxiety and working with the school and relevant services to develop appropriate support. (Action for Children Parents Support)

The aim isn't to remove every uncomfortable feeling from a child's life.

It's to help them develop the skills, confidence and support needed to manage difficult feelings safely and gradually.

7 things parents can do

1. Listen before you problem-solve

When your child says:

“I can't go.”

Try:

“I can see that school feels really difficult right now. Help me understand what's making it feel so hard.”

You don't have to fix everything immediately.

Sometimes your first job is simply to understand.

2. Ask specific questions

“What's wrong?” can feel enormous to an anxious child.

Try smaller questions:

“Is it the classroom, the journey, friendships, lessons or break times that feel hardest?”

Or:

“If you could change one thing about school tomorrow, what would it be?”

Specific questions can make a huge conversation feel manageable.

3. Look for patterns

Keep a simple diary for a couple of weeks.

Notice:

Which days are hardest?
Which lessons?
Before or after weekends?
Before PE?
Around tests?
After friendship difficulties?
After holidays?
Is sleep affecting mornings?
What happens immediately before the anxiety increases?

Patterns can provide clues and sometimes solutions!

4. Talk to school early

Don't wait until attendance has deteriorated significantly before raising concerns.

A supportive school response can involve a consistent member of staff, communication with the family and working collaboratively with the child to understand the barriers they are experiencing. (London Borough of Bromley)

Think:

Parent + child + school = team.

Not:

Parent vs school. This three way triangle can sometimes be enough to integrate a support plan. Sometimes, schools might not have the capacity though.

5. Help your child understand their brain

This is something I strongly believe in through my work at You B You Coaching.

When children understand that their brain and body can go into a heightened state when they feel threatened or overwhelmed, their experience can begin to make more sense.

Instead of:

“What's wrong with me?”

we can begin to move towards:

“What's happening in my brain right now — and what can I do about it?”

That shift can be incredibly empowering.

6. Build regulation into everyday life

Don't wait until the biggest meltdown to introduce coping strategies.

Experiment with what helps your child regulate:

movement
breathing
music
time outdoors
grounding activities
drawing or creativity
sensory breaks
talking
predictable routines
quiet time
positive connection

The goal isn't to create a magic “calm-down trick”.

It's to help your child build a toolbox of strategies they recognise and can practise.

7. Don't forget YOU

EBSA can be incredibly stressful for parents.

You may feel:

guilty angry frustrated worried exhausted desperate for an answer

You can love your child deeply and still find the situation incredibly hard.

Supporting yourself isn't selfish.

A regulated parent has more capacity to support a dysregulated child.

And what about SEND and neurodivergence?

This is particularly important.

The DfE's December 2025 survey found that parents of children in special schools were more likely than other parent groups to report anxiety/mental health problems and neurodevelopmental conditions as factors in absence. (GOV.UK)

Children may experience school differently because of sensory processing, communication differences, executive-function demands, social expectations or other individual needs.

That doesn't mean every neurodivergent child will experience EBSA. However, the school needs to make sure that they are able to support the child's needs and have vast knowledge about how the child best regulates.

It does mean that understanding the individual child matters- including their brain and what helps during dysregulation.

Ask:

“Is the environment asking my child to cope with something that currently feels beyond their capacity?”

One statistic that should make us pause

Analysis published by the Office for National Statistics found an association between school absence and children's mental ill health. In its analysis of children aged 5–16 in England, the predicted probability of presenting at hospital with mental-health issues increased from 1.82% among children with no absence to 3.77% at 20% absence, and to 5.27% at 30% absence. The ONS also found the relationship was stronger among children with additional vulnerabilities, including SEND support. (Office for National Statistics)

Important: this is an observational analysis and does not prove that absence itself causes mental ill health. The relationship between attendance, mental health and other vulnerabilities is complex.

But it reinforces why early support matters. Intervention and support beyond school makes a difference.

Visualise a different morning…

Imagine your child waking up and knowing:

“I have strategies.”

Imagine them being able to say:

“I'm worried about break time.”

Imagine a parent responding:

“Thank you for telling me. Let's work out what could make that feel easier.”

Imagine school understanding the child behind the attendance figure.

Imagine your child slowly rebuilding confidence.

Not overnight.

Not perfectly.

But step by step.

Because the goal isn't simply to get a child through the school gates.

It's to help them understand themselves, feel supported and develop the skills to manage what feels difficult.

A final thought for parents

If your child is struggling with school, you are not a bad parent.

And your child isn't necessarily a “difficult child”.

There will be a story underneath the behaviour that you haven't been able to see yet.

So before the next morning battle, pause and ask:

“What is my child's behaviour trying to communicate?”

That question could be the beginning of a very different conversation.

At You B You, we provide that tool kit of regulation techniques to support a child thrive, not just manage.